The Fable of Midas. 1711-12

Midas, we are in story told,Turn'd every thing he touch'd to gold:He chipp'd his bread; the pieces roundGlitter'd like spangles on the ground:A codling, ere it went his lip in,Would straight become a golden pippin.He call'd for drink; you saw him supPotable gold in golden cup:His empty paunch that he might fill,He suck'd his victuals thro' a quill.Untouch'd it pass'd between his grinders,Or't had been happy for gold-finders:He cock'd his hat, you would have saidMambrino's helm adorn'd his head;Whene'er he chanced his hands to layOn magazines of corn or hay,Gold ready coin'd appear'd insteadOf paltry provender and bread;Hence, we are by wise farmers toldOld hay is equal to old gold:And hence a critic deep maintainsWe learn'd to weigh our gold by grains.This fool had got a lucky hit;And people fancied he had wit,Two gods their skill in music triedAnd both chose Midas to decide:He against Ph[oelig]bus' harp decreed,And gave it for Pan's oaten reed:The god of wit, to show his grudge,Clapt asses' ears upon the judge,A goodly pair, erect and wide,Which he could neither gild nor hide.And now the virtue of his handsWas lost among Pactolus' sands,Against whose torrent while he swimsThe golden scurf peels off his limbs:Fame spreads the news, and people travelFrom far, to gather golden gravel;Midas, exposed to all their jeers,Had lost his art, and kept his ears.This tale inclines the gentle readerTo think upon a certain leader;To whom, from Midas down, descendsThat virtue in the fingers' ends.What else by perquisites are meant,By pensions, bribes, and three per cent.?By places and commissions sold,And turning dung itself to gold?By starving in the midst of store,As t'other Midas did before?None e'er did modern Midas chuseSubject or patron of his muse,But found him thus their merit scan,That Phoebus must give place to Pan:He values not the poet's praise,Nor will exchange his plums for bays.To Pan alone rich misers call;And there's the jest, for Pan is ALL.Here English wits will be to seek,Howe'er, 'tis all one in the Greek.Besides, it plainly now appearsOur Midas, too, has ass's ears:Where every fool his mouth applies,And whispers in a thousand lies;Such gross delusions could not passThro' any ears but of an ass.But gold defiles with frequent touch,There's nothing fouls the hand so much;And scholars give it for the causeOf British Midas' dirty paws;Which, while the senate strove to scour,They wash'd away the chemic power.While he his utmost strength applied,To swim against this popular tide,The golden spoils flew off apace,Here fell a pension, there a place:The torrent merciless imbibesCommissions, perquisites, and bribes,By their own weight sunk to the bottom;Much good may't do 'em that have caught 'em!And Midas now neglected stands,With ass's ears, and dirty hands.