Punch's Petition to the Ladies

Fair ones who do all hearts command,And gently sway with fan in handYour favourite--Punch a suppliant falls,And humbly for assistance calls;He humbly calls and begs you'll stopThe gothic rage of Vander Hop,Wh'invades without pretence and right,Or any law but that of might,Our Pigmy land--and treats our kingsLike paltry idle wooden things;Has beat our dancers out of doors,And call'd our chastest virgins whores;He has not left our Queen a rag on,Has forced away our George and Dragon,Has broke our wires, nor was he civilTo Doctor Faustus nor the devil;E'en us he hurried with full rage,Most hoarsely squalling off the stage;And faith our fright was very greatTo see a minister of state,Arm'd with power and fury comeTo force us from our little home--We fear'd, as I am sure we had reason,An accusation of high-treason;Till, starting up, says Banamiere,"Treason, my friends, we need not fear,For 'gainst the Brass we used no power,Nor strove to save the chancellor.Nor did we show the least affectionTo Rochford or the Meath election;Nor did we sing,--'Machugh he means.'""You villain, I'll dash out your brains,'Tis no affair of state which bringsMe here--or business of the King's;I'm come to seize you all as debtors,And bind you fast in iron fetters,From sight of every friend in town,Till fifty pound's to me paid down."--"Fifty!" quoth I, "a devilish sum;But stay till the brass farthings come,Then we shall all be rich as Jews,From Castle down to lowest stews;That sum shall to you then be told,Though now we cannot furnish gold."Quoth he, "thou vile mis-shapen beast,Thou knave, am I become thy jest;And dost thou think that I am comeTo carry nought but farthings home!Thou fool, I ne'er do things by halves,Farthings are made for Irish slaves;No brass for me, it must be gold,Or fifty pounds in silver told,That can by any means obtainFreedom for thee and for thy train.""Votre très humble serviteur,I'm not in jest," said I, "I'm sure,But from the bottom of my belly,I do in sober sadness tell you,I thought it was good reasoning,For us fictitious men to bringBrass counters made by William WoodIntrinsic as we flesh and blood;Then since we are but mimic men,Pray let us pay in mimic coin."Quoth he, "Thou lovest, Punch, to prate,And couldst for ever hold debate;But think'st thou I have nought to doBut to stand prating thus with you?Therefore to stop your noisy parly,I do at once assure you fairly,That not a puppet of you allShall stir a step without this wall,Nor merry Andrew beat thy drum,Until you pay the foresaid sum."Then marching off with swiftest raceTo write dispatches for his grace,The revel-master left the room,And us condemn'd to fatal doom.Now, fair ones, if e'er I found grace,Or if my jokes did ever please,Use all your interest with your sec,(They say he's at the ladies' beck,)And though he thinks as much of goldAs ever Midas did of old:Your charms I'm sure can never fail,Your eyes must influence, must prevail;At your command he'll set us free,Let us to you owe liberty.Get us a license now to play,And we'll in duty ever pray.