The Eunuch: Act the Second: Scene II

GNAT. Good Heav'ns! how much one man excels another!What diff'rence 'twixt a wise man and a fool!What just now happen'd proves it: coming hitherI met with an old countryman, a manOf my own place and order, like myself,No scurvy fellow, who, like me, had spentIn mirth and jollity his whole estate.He was in a most wretched trim; his looksLean, sick, and dirty; and his clothes all rags."How now!" cried I, "what means this figure, friend?Alas! says he, my patrimony's gone.--Ah, how am I reduc'd! my old acquaintanceAnd friends all shun me."--Hearing this, how cheapI held him in comparison with me!"Why, how now? wretch, said I, most idle wretch!Have you spent all, nor left ev'n hope behind?What! have you lost your sense with your estate?Me!--look on me--come from the same condition!How sleek! how neat! how clad! in what good case!I've ev'ry thing, though nothing; naught possess,Yet naught I ever want."--"Ah, Sir, but IHave an unhappy temper, and can't bearTo be the butt of others, or to takeA beating now and then."--"How then! d'ye thinkThose are the means of thriving? No, my friend!Such formerly indeed might drive a trade:But mine's a new profession; I the firstThat ever struck into this road. There areA kind of men, who wish to be the headOf ev'ry thing; but are not. These I follow;Not for their sport and laughter, but for gainTo laugh with them, and wonder at their parts:Whate'er they say, I praise it; if againThey contradict, I praise that too: does anyDeny? I too deny: affirm? I tooAffirm: and in a word, I've brought myselfTo say, unsay, swear, and forswear, at pleasure:And that is now the best of all professions."PAR. A special fellow this! who drives fools mad.

GNAT. Deep in this conversation, we at lengthCome to the market, where the sev'ral tradesmen,Butchers, cooks, grocers, poult'rers, fishmongers,(Who once did profit and still profit by me,)All run with joy to me, salute, invite,And bid me welcome. He, poor half-starv'd wretch,Soon as he saw me thus caress'd, and foundI got my bread so easily, desiredHe might have leave to learn that art of me.I bade him follow me, if possible:And, as the Schools of the PhilosophersHave ta'en from the Philosophers their names,So, in like manner, let all ParasitesBe call'd from me Gnathonics!

PAR. Mark, what ease,And being kept at other's cost, produces!

GNAT. But hold, I must convey this girl to Thais,And bid her forth to sup.--Ha, Parmeno!Our rival's slave, standing at Thais' door!--How melancholy he appears! All's safe:These poor rogues find but a cold welcome here.I'll play upon this knave. (Aside.)

PAR. These fellows thinkThis present will make Thais all their own. (Aside.)

GNAT. To Parmeno, his lov'd and honor'd friend,Gnatho sends greeting. (Ironically.)--What are you upon?

GNAT. I see it.--Is there nothing hereDispleasing to you?

GNAT. I do believe it.But prithee, is there nothing else?GNAT. Because you're melancholy.

GNAT. Well, do not be so!--Pray, now, what d'ye thinkOf this young handmaid?

PAR. Troth, she's not amiss.

GNAT. I plague the rascal. (Half aside.)

PAR. How the knave's deceiv'd! (Half aside.)

GNAT. Will not this gift be very acceptableTo Thais, think you?

PAR. You'd insinuateThat we're shut out.--There is, alas, a changeIn all things.

GNAT. For these six months, Parmeno,For six whole months at least, I'll make you easy;You sha'n't run up and down, and watch till daylight;Come, don't I make you happy?GNAT. 'Tis my way with my friends.

PAR. You're very good.

GNAT. But I detain you: you, perhaps, was goingSomewhere else.

GNAT. May I beg you thenTo use your int'rest here, and introduce meTo Thais?

PAR. Hence! away! these doorsFly open now, because you carry her.

GNAT. Would you have any one call'd forth? (Exit.

PAR. Well, well!Pass but two days; and you, so welcome now,That the doors open with your little finger,Shall kick against them then, I warrant you,Till your heels ache again.

GNAT. Ha! Parmeno!Are you here still? What! are you left a spy,Lest any go-between should run by stealthTo Thais from the Captain? (Exit.

PAR. Very smart!No wonder such a wit delights the Captain!But hold! I see my master's younger sonComing this way. I wonder much he shouldDesert Piraeus, where he's now on guard.'Tis not for nothing. All in haste he comes,And seems to look about.