Act V: Scene II. — The Parlor of the Three Mariners. Enter Kempthorn

KEMPTHORN.A dull life this,--a dull life anyway!Ready for sea; the cargo all aboard,Cleared for Barbadoes, and a fair wind blowingFrom nor'-nor'-west; and I, an idle lubber,Laid neck and heels by that confounded bond!I said to Ralph, says I, "What's to be done?"Says he: "Just slip your hawser in the night;Sheer off, and pay it with the topsail, Simon."But that won't do; because, you see, the ownersSomehow or other are mixed up with it.Here are King Charles's Twelve Good Rules, that ColeThinks as important as the Rule of Three.

"Make no comparisons; make no long meals."Those are good rules and golden for a landlordTo hang in his best parlor, framed and glazed!"Maintain no ill opinions; urge no healths."I drink to the King's, whatever he may sayAnd, as to ill opinions, that depends.Now of Ralph Goldsmith I've a good opinion,And of the bilboes I've an ill opinion;And both of these opinions I'll maintainAs long as there's a shot left in the locker.

BUTTER.Good morning, Captain Kempthorn.

KEMPTHORN.Sir, to you.You've the advantage of me. I don't know you.What may I call your name?

BUTTER.That's not your name?

KEMPTHORN.Yes, that's my name. What's yours?

BUTTER.My name is Butter.I am the treasurer of the Commonwealth.

KEMPTHORN.Will you be seated?

BUTTER.What say? Who's conceited?

BUTTER.Oh, thank you.

KEMPTHORN.Spread yourselfUpon this chair, sweet Butter.

BUTTER (sitting down).A fine morning.

KEMPTHORN.Nothing's the matter with it that I know of.I have seen better, and I have seen worse.The wind's nor'west. That's fair for them that sail.

BUTTER.You need not speak so loud; I understand you.You sail to-day.

KEMPTHORN.No, I don't sail to-day.So, be it fair or foul, it matters not.Say, will you smoke? There's choice tobacco here.

BUTTER.No, thank you. It's against the law to smoke.

KEMPTHORN.Then, will you drink? There's good ale at this inn.

BUTTER.No, thank you. It's against the law to drink.

KEMPTHORN.Well, almost everything's against the lawIn this good town. Give a wide berth to one thing,You're sure to fetch up soon on something else.

BUTTER.And so you sail to-day for dear Old England.I am not one of those who think a supOf this New England air is better worthThan a whole draught of our Old England's ale.

KEMPTHORN.Nor I. Give me the ale and keep the air.But, as I said, I do not sail to-day.

BUTTER.Ah yes; you sail today.

KEMPTHORN.I'm under bondsTo take some Quakers back to the Barbadoes;And one of them is banished, and anotherIs sentenced to be hanged.

BUTTER.No, all are pardoned,All are set free by order of the Court;But some of them would fain return to England.You must not take them. Upon that conditionYour bond is cancelled.

KEMPTHORN.Ah, the wind has shifted!I pray you, do you speak officially?

BUTTER.I always speak officially. To prove it,Here is the bond.

KEMPTHORN.And here's my hand upon it,And look you, when I say I'll do a thingThe thing is done. Am I now free to go?

BUTTER.What say?

KEMPTHORN.I say, confound the tedious manWith his strange speaking-trumpet! Can I go?

BUTTER.You're free to go, by order of the Court.Your servant, sir.

KEMPTHORN (shouting from the window).Swallow, ahoy! Hallo!If ever a man was happy to leave Boston,That man is Simon Kempthorn of the Swallow!

BUTTER.Pray, did you call?

KEMPTHORN.Call! Yes, I hailed the Swallow.

BUTTER.That's not my name. My name is Edward Butter.You need not speak so loud.

KEMPTHORN (shaking hands).Good-by! Good-by!

BUTTER.Your servant, sir.

KEMPTHORN.And yours a thousand times!