The Ballad of the Artist

Archibald Ames is an artist,And a widely renowned R.A.,For albeit his pictures are thoroughly bad,The greatest success he has always had,And he makes his profession pay.

He has no idea of proportion,No notion of colour or line,But perhaps for such there is little need,Since everybody is fully agreedThat his subjects are quite divine.

His pictures are sweetly simple;The ingredients all must know,--Just a fair-haired child and a dog or two,A very old man, and a baby's shoe,And some bunches of mistletoe.

In some, an angelic infantIs helping a kitten to play,Or dressing a cat in Grandpapa's hat(Which is equally hard on the hat and the cat),Or teaching a 'dolly' to pray.

Or else there's a runaway couple,With a distant view of papa,An elderly party with rich man's gout,Who swears himself rapidly inside out,In a broken-down motor-car.

Or it may be a scene in the Workhouse,Where a widow of high degree,With almost suspiciously puce-coloured hair,Has arrived in a gorgeous carriage-and-pair,To distribute a pound of tea.

Sometimes he portrays a battle,With a 'square' like a Rugby scrum,Where a bugler, the colours grasped in his hand,And making a final determined stand,Plays 'God Save the King' on a drum.

This is the kind of subjectThat he gives to us day by day;You may jeer at the absence of all technique,But these are the pictures the people seekFrom this justly renowned R.A.

In distant suburban boudoirsYou will find them, in gilded frames,'The Prodigal Calf' (a homely scene)'Grandmamma's Boots,' or 'To Gretna Green,'The Works of Archibald Ames.

And, if they appeal to the public,In the usual course of events,Some enterprising manager comes,And buys them up for enormous sums,And they serve as advertisements.

Where the child is painting the kittenWith Potter's Indelible Dye,While Grandpapa shows to the reckless catMcBride's Indestructible Gibus Hat,(Which Ev'ry one ought to buy).

And the Gretna Green arrangementAn interest new acquires,By depicting how great the advantages areOf the Patented Spoofenhauss Auto-car,With unpuncturable tyres.

And the widow (Try Kay's for mourning),As black as Stevenson's Ink,Is curing the paupers of sundry illsBy the gift of a box of the Palest PillsFor persons who may be Pink.

And the bugler-boy in the battle,With trousers of Blackett's Blue,Unshrinking as Simpson's Serge, and freeAs Winkleson's Patent Ear-drum he,And steadfast as Holdhard's Glue.

This is the modern fashionIn the popular art of the day,And this is the reason that Archibald AmesRanks high among other familiar namesAs a very well-known R.A.