The Scurril Press
TOM JONESMITH (loquitur): I've slept right throughThe night--a rather clever thing to do.How soundly women sleep (looks at his wife.)They're all alike. The sweetest thing in lifeIs woman when she lies with folded tongue,Its toil completed and its day-song sung.(Thump) That's the morning paper. What a boreThat it should be delivered at the door.There ought to be some expeditious wayTo get it to one. By this long delayThe fizz gets off the news (a rap is heard).That's Jane, the housemaid; she's an early bird;She's brought it to the bedroom door, good soul.(Gets up and takes it in.) Upon the wholeThe system's not so bad a one. What's here?Gad, if they've not got after--listen dear(To sleeping wife)--young Gastrotheos! Well,If Freedom shrieked when Kosciusko fellShe'll shriek again--with laughter--seeing howThey treated Gast. with her. Yet I'll allow'T is right if he goes dining at The PupWith Mrs. Thing.
WIFE (briskly, waking up):With her? The hussy! Yes, it serves him right.
JONESMITH (continuing to "seek the light"):What's this about old Impycu? That's good!Grip--that's the funny man--says Impy shouldBe used as a decoy in shooting tramps.I knew old Impy when he had the "stamps"To buy us all out, and he wasn't thenSo bad a chap to have about. Grip's penIs just a tickler!--and the world, no doubt,Is better with it than it was without.What? thirteen ladies--Jumping Jove! we knowThem nearly all!--who gamble at a lowAnd very shocking game of cards called "draw"!O cracky, how they'll squirm! ha-ha! haw-haw!Let's see what else (wife snores). Well, I'll be blest!A woman doesn't understand a jest.Hello! What, what? the scurvy wretch proceedsTo take a fling at me, condemn him! (reads):Tom Jonesmith--my name's Thomas, vulgar cad!--Ofthe new Shavings Bank--the man's gone mad!That's libelous; I'll have him up for that--Hashad his corns cut. Devil take the rat!What business is 't of his, I'd like to know?He didn't have to cut them. Gods! what lowAnd scurril things our papers have become!You skim their contents and you get but scum.Here, Mary, (waking wife) I've been attackedIn this vile sheet. By Jove, it is a fact!
WIFE (reading it): How wicked! Who do youSuppose 't was wrote it?
JONESMITH: Who? why, whoBut Grip, the so-called funny man--he wroteMe up because I'd not discount his note.(Blushes like sunset at the hideous lie--He'll think of one that's better by and by--Throws down the paper on the floor, and treadsA lively measure on it--kicks the shredsAnd patches all about the room, and stillPerforms his jig with unabated will.)
WIFE (warbling sweetly, like an Elfland horn):Dear, do be careful of that second corn.
Words in this poem 15
- ought p. p.
- Was or were under obligation to pay; owed. [Orig. the preterit of the verb to owe. OE. oughte, aughte, ahte, AS. ahte. sq. root110. See Owe.]
- fizz v. i.
- To make a hissing sound, as a burning fuse. [Cf. Icel. fisa to break wind, Dan. fise to foist, fizzle, OSw. fisa, G. fisten, feisten. Cf. Foist.]
- jane n.
- A coin of Genoa; any small coin. [LL. Janua Genoa; L. Genua, also OE. Jean.]
- bedroom n.
- A room or apartment intended or used for a bed; a lodging room.
- gast v. t.
- To make aghast; to frighten; to terrify. See Aghast. [OE. gasten, g to frighten, akin to Goth. usgaisjan. See Aghast, Ghastly, and cf. Gaze.]
- hussy n.
- A housewife or housekeeper. [Contr. fr. huswife.]
- funny a.
- Droll; comical; amusing; laughable. Funny bone. See crazy bone, under Crazy. [From Fun.]
- tickler n.
- One who, or that which, tickles.
- jove n.
- The chief divinity of the ancient Romans; Jupiter. [L. Jupiter, gen. Jovis, OL. Jovis, nom. & gen. for Djovis; akin to E. Tuesday. See Tuesday, and cf. Jupiter.]
- gamble v. i.
- To play or game for money or other stake. [Dim. of game. See 2d Game.]
- shocking a.
- Causing to shake or tremble, as by a blow; especially, causing to recoil with horror or disgust; extremely offensive or disgusting.
- squirm v. i.
- To twist about briskly with contor [Cf. Swarm to climb a tree.]
- jest n.
- A deed; an action; a gest. [OE. jeste, geste, deed, action, story, tale, OF. geste, LL. gesta, orig., exploits, neut. pl. from L. gestus, p. p. of gerere to bear, carry, accomplish, perfor]
- libelous a.
- Containing or involving a libel; defamatory; containing that which exposes some person to public hatred, contempt, or ridicule; as, a libelous pamphlet. -- Li"bel*ous*ly, adv.
- wrote v. i.
- To root with the snout. See 1st Root. [OE. wroten. See 1st Root.]
Definitions and etymologies from Webster's Unabridged Dictionary, 1913.
About this text
The Scurril Press is in the public domain. This text is taken from Shapes of Clay (1903), Project Gutenberg ebook #12658; the transcription's header, footer and licence were removed and nothing else was changed. You may copy, print and reuse it freely.
Cite as: Ambrose Bierce, The Scurril Press, in Shapes of Clay (1903), text of Project Gutenberg ebook #12658, Laurel, https://laurelpoetry.com/poem/bierce-shapes-of-clay/the-scurril-press.html, id L28069.
Form and metre
The Scurril Press is 64 lines in 6 verse paragraphs. It is in rhyming couplets, 78% of the lines: heroic couplets. The metre is iambic pentameter, measured from the stress the words themselves fix (confidence 88%).
See other poems in heroic couplets, other poems in iambic pentameter.
Measured by Laurel's pipeline, not copied from a handbook: how stress and metre are counted, how rhyme is lettered, how a drifted rhyme is found. Where the dictionary cannot confirm a rhyme the letter is withheld, not guessed.
Rhyme words, stanza by stanza
The word that ends each line, lettered by the rhyme it makes; a dash is a line whose rhyme the dictionary could not confirm.
- 1 AABBCCDDEEFFGGHHIIJJK- throughA · doA · wifeB · lifeB · tongueC · sungC · boreD · doorD · wayE · delayE · heardF · birdF · soulG · wholeG · hereH · dearH · wellI · fellI · howJ · allowJ · pupK · thing
- 2 KL upK · rightL
- 3 LMM--NNOOPPQQRRSS----TTUUVV lightL · goodM · shouldM · tramps · stamps · thenN · penN · doubtO · withoutO · knowP · lowP · drawQ · hawQ · blestR · jestR · proceedsS · readsS · of · mad · has · rat · knowT · lowT · becomeU · scumU · attackedV · factV
- 4 W- youW · it
- 5 WXXYYZZaa whoW · wroteX · noteX · lieY · byY · treadsZ · shredsZ · stilla · willa
- 6 bb hornb · cornb
Scansion, line by line
Each line with its syllable count and the stresses the words themselves fix: / stressed, ˘ unstressed, · a syllable the word leaves free and the metre decides. Read against iambic pentameter. How this is done.
| Line | Syl. | Stress |
|---|---|---|
| TOM JONESMITH (loquitur): I've slept right through | 11 | ··········· |
| The night--a rather clever thing to do. | 10 | ···/˘/˘··· |
| How soundly women sleep (looks at his wife.) | 10 | ·/˘/˘····· |
| They're all alike. The sweetest thing in life | 10 | ··˘/·/˘··· |
| Is woman when she lies with folded tongue, | 10 | ·/˘····/˘· |
| Its toil completed and its day-song sung. | 10 | ··˘/˘····· |
| (Thump) That's the morning paper. What a bore | 10 | ···/˘/˘··· |
| That it should be delivered at the door. | 10 | ····˘/˘··· |
| There ought to be some expeditious way | 10 | ······˘/˘· |
| To get it to one. By this long delay | 10 | ········˘/ |
| The fizz gets off the news (a rap is heard). | 10 | ·········· |
| That's Jane, the housemaid; she's an early bird; | 10 | ···/˘··/˘· |
| She's brought it to the bedroom door, good soul. | 10 | ·····/···· |
| (Gets up and takes it in.) Upon the whole | 10 | ·········· |
| The system's not so bad a one. What's here? | 10 | ·/˘······· |
| Gad, if they've not got after--listen dear | 10 | ·······/˘· |
| (To sleeping wife)--young Gastrotheos! Well, | 9 | ·/˘······ |
| If Freedom shrieked when Kosciusko fell | 10 | ·/˘·˘····· |
| She'll shriek again--with laughter--seeing how | 10 | ··˘/·/˘/˘· |
| They treated Gast. with her. Yet I'll allow | 10 | ·/˘·····˘/ |
| 'T is right if he goes dining at The Pup | 11 | ······/˘··· |
| With Mrs. Thing. | 4 | ·/˘· |
| WIFE (briskly, waking up): | 6 | ·/˘/˘· |
| With her? The hussy! Yes, it serves him right. | 10 | ···/˘····· |
| JONESMITH (continuing to "seek the light"): | 10 | ···˘/˘···· |
| What's this about old Impycu? That's good! | 10 | ·········· |
| Grip--that's the funny man--says Impy should | 10 | ···/˘····· |
| Be used as a decoy in shooting tramps. | 10 | ····˘/·/˘· |
| I knew old Impy when he had the "stamps" | 10 | ·········· |
| To buy us all out, and he wasn't then | 10 | ·······/˘· |
| So bad a chap to have about. Grip's pen | 10 | ·········· |
| Is just a tickler!--and the world, no doubt, | 10 | ···/˘····· |
| Is better with it than it was without. | 10 | ·/˘······· |
| What? thirteen ladies--Jumping Jove! we know | 10 | ·///˘/˘··· |
| Them nearly all!--who gamble at a low | 10 | ·/˘··/˘··· |
| And very shocking game of cards called "draw"! | 10 | ·/˘/˘····· |
| O cracky, how they'll squirm! ha-ha! haw-haw! | 10 | ·········· |
| Let's see what else (wife snores). Well, I'll be blest! | 10 | ·········· |
| A woman doesn't understand a jest. | 10 | ·/˘/˘·˘/·· |
| Hello! What, what? the scurvy wretch proceeds | 10 | ˘/···/˘·˘/ |
| To take a fling at me, condemn him! (reads): | 10 | ······˘/·· |
| Tom Jonesmith--my name's Thomas, vulgar cad!--Of | 12 | ······/˘/˘·· |
| the new Shavings Bank--the man's gone mad! | 9 | ··/˘····· |
| That's libelous; I'll have him up for that--Has | 10 | ·/˘······· |
| had his corns cut. Devil take the rat! | 9 | ····/˘··· |
| What business is 't of his, I'd like to know? | 11 | ·/˘········ |
| He didn't have to cut them. Gods! what low | 10 | ·/˘······· |
| And scurril things our papers have become! | 10 | ····//˘·˘/ |
| You skim their contents and you get but scum. | 10 | ···/˘····· |
| Here, Mary, (waking wife) I've been attacked | 10 | ·/˘/˘···˘/ |
| In this vile sheet. By Jove, it is a fact! | 10 | ·········· |
| WIFE (reading it): How wicked! Who do you | 10 | ·/˘··/˘··· |
| Suppose 't was wrote it? | 6 | ˘/···· |
| JONESMITH: Who? why, who | 6 | ······ |
| But Grip, the so-called funny man--he wrote | 10 | ·····/˘··· |
| Me up because I'd not discount his note. | 10 | ······˘/·· |
| (Blushes like sunset at the hideous lie-- | 10 | /˘·/···/˘· |
| He'll think of one that's better by and by-- | 10 | ·····/˘··· |
| Throws down the paper on the floor, and treads | 10 | ···/˘····· |
| A lively measure on it--kicks the shreds | 10 | ·/˘/˘····· |
| And patches all about the room, and still | 10 | ·/˘······· |
| Performs his jig with unabated will.) | 10 | ˘/····˘/˘· |
| WIFE (warbling sweetly, like an Elfland horn): | 10 | ·/˘/˘··/˘· |
| Dear, do be careful of that second corn. | 10 | ···/˘··/˘· |
The reader shows the same poem with its rhymes coloured and a stress row above each line, the notes beside their stanzas, and any word's definition on a tap; the analysis page takes the whole book apart. How every part of this site was made.